Red64

My dearest son,

I am a single mom. Being only 5 years old, I know that you can’t understand what that means yet, although I am not quite sure if you will when you grow older — many people from different ages don’t. Simply put, your dad is not with us to be with our family. It doesn’t necessarily mean though that you don’t have a dad as your Grandpa has been there to love you like your dad would have. I’m sure you feel much love from him as you refer to him as your dad many times and I don’t correct you because I think, structurally speaking, he is your dad. However, I know that sooner or later, you’re going to ask me about it. I’ve cried a number of times thinking about the day when you ask that question. It scares me. It hurts me. It cuts deep in my heart. Because I know that you deserve to have a father. You deserve the best in life. And to me, coming from a broken family myself, having a mother and a father in the family is one of the greatest things that a person can have in life. So for not being able to provide you with that, I apologize. I do not want to justify how things turned out but rather tell you that your dad and I loved each other for years before we parted ways. He is my first love, my childhood sweetheart — the man I have dreamed to spend the rest of my life with. But life has a way of teaching us a lesson. I learned then that I do not have full control over the circumstances in my life; that no matter how much I tried to fight for our relationship, I did not have the power to change how things were. So from that day forward, I learned to surrender control to the Lord. He is the only one who has absolute power over everthing. He is the only one that we should trust with our life, afterall, he’s our Creator. We live to glorify His Name. I have come to accept that your dad and I can no longer be together without bitterness in my heart.

Motivated by the will to raise you in a spritually anchored home, my search for fellowship with people who can guide me to become a better Christian began. And as the bible say, ‘Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you’ (Matthew 7:7) — not long after I made that decision, the Lord has given me an opportunity to join CCF through a college friend, whom I haven’t talked to for years. God has paved the way for our paths to cross. Along the way, I have met many other Christians who want to grow their relationship with the Lord. They have guided me and helped me see the Light in the darkness and pick myself up when I stumble. I highly advise — and I pray, that you also find the value in having a close circle of Christian friends.

My prayer is for your to grow up as a godly young man. I pray that you will always feel the love of a father from the Lord God — that you may never feel fatherless.

I love you.

Mom

I remember bits and pieces now, how I decided to take this road. It was a choice I had to make for my son as I wanted him to grow up with moral values – with a spiritual anchor that would keep him from wandering to treacherous places. I deliberately turned away from what I was before because what I was before was someone not fit to guide a child to proper manhood. It’s easy to recall the subtle yet wild circumstances I’ve been in where I placed myself under fire. A life not particularly known to many, I had. You can call it double life so to speak. Why it has turned out the way that it had I must go further down memory lane to find out. And I’m not sure that I want to go back to it alone. It would be better if I have at least one soul that I can relate myself to and can help me decipher my past to reconstruct my present so I can make sense of all that I’m going through today.

There are voices in my head lately, whispering distant thoughts that bring memories from what I used to be. Somehow it seems hard to hear exactly what it tells me. Somehow it seems so loud yet so faint that it escapes my understanding. What did I used to be? I cannot even feel what it was like anymore. I feel stripped from my former self. This becomes utterly disturbing as I realize that there’s no way of knowing who I am in the present without a clear recollection and recognition of where I came from. What I now reckon is that I’ve evolved into this machine like person operating under the premise of mere survival and conformity to the society. I do not dislike it, how can I when it offers structure and order to things? But the program built in my head to continue living in this fashion is waning down. Maybe there was a virus attack of some kind or perhaps just the natural wear and tear after all, it’s been nearly 6 years since I started warping into the age old accepted world. Something tells me that this is not how I imagined life to be. Something tells me that this was not who I was before. Something tells me that this is not the path that I should take. I hear these voices… but they get lost in the noise of the hustle and bustle of everyday living.

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